XIV
Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o’erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like a usurpt town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your Viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy.
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

John Donne from Holy Sonnets

When looking at the general scheme of salvation, with the violence of the cross at the center, it seems that suffering and violence are a necessary means for redemption or salvation. When considering my own life, the experiences that have led me to the most profound realizations are those that include deep suffering. This is where I begin to understand the heart of God. The suffering that human beings experience is a glimpse into the misery that God went through when watching His only Son die upon the cross.
So why do we question God about the trouble and the violence in the world? God doesn’t turn His back on the world and let it destroy itself, but He weeps with us. Prior to this semester, the meaning and reasoning behind suffering was something I believed to be incomprehensible. And of course I am not saying that I completely understand the will and mind of God, but my perspective on the suffering I have experienced in this violent world has shifted. This realization can be something as piercing as the horns of the bull into Mrs. May’s heart in Greenleaf. Just as her perception of reality and existence was deformed and twisted, so too is the rest of humanity’s view of the world and God’s grace within it. But when the light of redemption comes into full view, or when one’s misconception is pierced, the crippled and humbled human can now have a glimpse into the heart of God.
It seems as though up to this point in my life, my view of suffering has been that of a time of testing for God to use against those who need to learn how to trust Him more. This I believe has still some truth to it, but suffering is much, much deeper than that. A deep and profound sense of pain, longing, and loss is something that we all deserve as a fallen race. It is the life that we lead. Whether we sign ourselves up to follow Christ or not, suffering and violence have a place in our lives and in the lives of the ones we love.
Estrangement leaves us to groan and plead for something that we have longed for since the day of creation (Romans 8:22-24), to be close to God, to be redeemed. Just as Adam and Eve fellowshipped with God, so too do we desire to have an intimate relationship with Him, to talk with Him and to walk with Him. But in this life on earth, through pain and suffering, the most beautiful venue of redemption comes from violence. As I yearn and desire to be more like God and to have a holy perspective on life, the flame of refinement grows hotter. In order to be more like God, there is a lot of imperfection that needs to be burnt off. This requires discipline, action, and suffering. And with an understanding grasp of suffering, one may be able to get a glimpse into the heart of God. So, “batter my heart, three-personed God…” (John Donne, Holy Sonnets), and continue you to throw me into the refining fire. Lead me to redemption through suffering and the misery you experienced on the cross, so that I can know Your heart.

O for a closer walk with God,
A calm and heavenly frame,
A light to shine upon the road
That leads me to the Lamb!

Where is the blessedness I knew,
When first I saw the Lord?
Where is the soul refreshing view
Of Jesus and His Word?

What peaceful hours I once enjoyed!
How sweet their memory still!
But they have left an aching void
The world can never fill.

Return, O holy Dove, return,
Sweet messenger of rest!
I hate the sins that made Thee mourn
And drove Thee from my breast.

The dearest idol I have known,
Whate’er that idol be
Help me to tear it from Thy throne,
And worship only Thee.

So shall my walk be close with God,
Calm and serene my frame;
So purer light shall mark the road
That leads me to the Lamb.

unlocked doors

The first two images were taken in my hometown, San Clemente, CA. It's a beautiful place...home to President Nixon's "Western White House" actually (something I'm proud of). Anyway... I will be going home for Christmas break in about a week and a half, and I am looking forward to taking some pictures of this beauty. San Clemente was a great place to grow up. One of my favorite things about the place is, people don't really lock their doors. In the house that I grew up in, it would be dumb to lock the doors because the house is pretty much made of windows. BUT it's just a friendly place. All people do is water their yards, surf, and go on walks. Very different from the downtown life that I live in Chicago. I wouldn't even think twice about locking my doors in Chicago. Someday when I am trying to find a place to live, I wanna live somewhere where I don't have to lock my doors.

JSB 2009

This is from this past spring...but I thought I would post it.
These beautiful people alllll dressed up are off to a banquet, and SO on that beautiful day in the city, I took their pictures!
...I just had to get a picture of John (my bf) and I, so I propped the camera up on a ledge, and fired away!!!

An Aspiration

I've enjoyed getting to know my camera over the past year or so. Just this past summer, I began to take my shooting seriously...reading up on professional's blogs, websites, etc. and looking into new equipment. My desire to start my own business as a wedding and portrait photographer has taken shape, and I know what kind of direction I want to go to. I'm getting quite bored with the ONE lens that I have, and the lack of editing services...I would also like to take a class so I ACTUALLY know what I'm doing. Everything that is shown in my photos is all self taught...it may not be that great, but I am learning, and can't wait to see what my pics look like after a new lens or two, and some classes.

kann nicht anders

Well school has been in full force the past couple of months since I have last written. I have decided (today) that I am going to keep up my blog...posting pictures, events, and thoughts that pop up through my life. Maybe you will read them, maybe you wont. maybe they'll be just for me. That's fine. Here is my thought for today:

 I'm in the waiting area. You know where husbands (soon to be dads), wives (sadly to be widows) pace back and forth? I've been sitting in the same chair, uncomfortable even at the thought. But I'm not quite sure why I still find myself here. Everyone else seems to be biting their nails for a reason, coming to realize that reason (that they dread), and then weeping for that reason. I don't think I have a reason. I'm just here, waiting. I read Holy the Firm by Annie Dillard to pass the time here. Each line as resolution rang true with the click and ticking of the wall clock: 

The works of God made manifest? Do we really need more victims to remind us that we're all victims?...Yes, in fact, we do. We do need reminding, not of what God can do, but of what he cannot do, or will not, which is to catch time in its free fall and stick a nickel's worth of sense into our days. And we need reminding of what time can do, must only do; churn our enormity at random and beat it with God's blessing, into our heads: that we are created, created, sojourners in a land we did not make, a land with no meaning of itself and no meaning we can make for it alone. Who are we to demand explanations of God? (And what monsters of perfection should we be if we did not?) We forget ourselves, picnicking; we forget where we are. there is no such thing as a freak accident...We are most deeply asleep at the switch when we fancy we control any switches at all. We sleep to time's hurdy-gurdy; we wake, if we ever wake, to the silence of God.

I am awake, sitting in the same chair, waiting to hear the silence of God. When will I awake to see the bright blue sky, the leaves turning colors: we are all created.

Chicago Chicago Chicago!

Greetings from America!

I'm just here in a hotel room in Chicago, using free and fast internet...it feels great to be back in America. The news is English, people address me with familiar words. It's great! I just thought I would give you guys an update and let you know that we all made it safe into the big red, white, and blue! I can't wait to be home tomorrow in California! The first thing I'm gonna do is go to the chiropractor...I have a pinched nerve in my hip that is KILLING ME! It's amazing what I can take for granted! Anyways...I'm tired. I haven't slept in...I have no idea... almost 24 hours...? Ok. Well, more updates to come soon!

Love,

j