XIV
Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o’erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like a usurpt town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;
Reason, your Viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy.
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

John Donne from Holy Sonnets

When looking at the general scheme of salvation, with the violence of the cross at the center, it seems that suffering and violence are a necessary means for redemption or salvation. When considering my own life, the experiences that have led me to the most profound realizations are those that include deep suffering. This is where I begin to understand the heart of God. The suffering that human beings experience is a glimpse into the misery that God went through when watching His only Son die upon the cross.
So why do we question God about the trouble and the violence in the world? God doesn’t turn His back on the world and let it destroy itself, but He weeps with us. Prior to this semester, the meaning and reasoning behind suffering was something I believed to be incomprehensible. And of course I am not saying that I completely understand the will and mind of God, but my perspective on the suffering I have experienced in this violent world has shifted. This realization can be something as piercing as the horns of the bull into Mrs. May’s heart in Greenleaf. Just as her perception of reality and existence was deformed and twisted, so too is the rest of humanity’s view of the world and God’s grace within it. But when the light of redemption comes into full view, or when one’s misconception is pierced, the crippled and humbled human can now have a glimpse into the heart of God.
It seems as though up to this point in my life, my view of suffering has been that of a time of testing for God to use against those who need to learn how to trust Him more. This I believe has still some truth to it, but suffering is much, much deeper than that. A deep and profound sense of pain, longing, and loss is something that we all deserve as a fallen race. It is the life that we lead. Whether we sign ourselves up to follow Christ or not, suffering and violence have a place in our lives and in the lives of the ones we love.
Estrangement leaves us to groan and plead for something that we have longed for since the day of creation (Romans 8:22-24), to be close to God, to be redeemed. Just as Adam and Eve fellowshipped with God, so too do we desire to have an intimate relationship with Him, to talk with Him and to walk with Him. But in this life on earth, through pain and suffering, the most beautiful venue of redemption comes from violence. As I yearn and desire to be more like God and to have a holy perspective on life, the flame of refinement grows hotter. In order to be more like God, there is a lot of imperfection that needs to be burnt off. This requires discipline, action, and suffering. And with an understanding grasp of suffering, one may be able to get a glimpse into the heart of God. So, “batter my heart, three-personed God…” (John Donne, Holy Sonnets), and continue you to throw me into the refining fire. Lead me to redemption through suffering and the misery you experienced on the cross, so that I can know Your heart.